1.14.2013

The most racist movie trailer ever?



Damn. Where do I begin with this one? Let's make it clear: by writing this, I know that I'm giving it more attention than it deserves. I know this. But how can I just ignore the trailer for what looks like the most racist movie ever? The worst part is, the makers are out to offend anyone and everyone, and they know it. I won't even name the movie. Just watch the damn thing and see for yourself. I apologize in advance:




As you can see, this movie doesn't appear to give a s%*t about anyone... and it definitely doesn't care about being funny. And yes, this is from the asshole behind the ShamWOW infomercials.

I first heard about this movie many months ago from a reader who saw a test screening and described it in awful, ranty detail. It sounded so awful, I almost thought it couldn't possibly real -- and certainly not a movie anyone would attempt to release theatrically. I am wrong. Here's the ugly lowdown, beat by beat, from a reader who will remain nameless:
It starts off with a guy who is caught under a rock. They are trying to do a parody of 127 Hours. He cries into a self recorded camera about him about to cut off his arm only to find out he is on a hiking trail as some dude passes by. It later cuts to the director, sitting on a chair underneath the sewer. He sets up a camera, and points it up. Lindsay Lohan comes out dressed like Marilyn Monroe. The guy is sitting under the street and turns on the fan blowing up wind to Linsay Lohan. He then video tapes her crotch and it takes us into her vagina into a world of apps. I swear I am not making this up. The credits Roll, and the only names I recognized were Rob Schneider and Michelle Rodriguez. You see a bunch of bikers riding down the street only to find out they are on bicycles. Ha ha.

The rest of the movie is based off of the guy clicking on different icons directing us to different "APPs" which is basically a bunch of miscellaneous sketches. They are all out of order so I'm just going to do my best to group them.

Adrian Brody as Dirty Harry Parody: Basically Adrian Brody is playing dirty Harry, but he's gay. He wears pink Capris. When he talks, it's nothing but gay innuendo, not limited various sodomy jokes, but eating semen, hand jobs and the sort. He talks like this to his superiors and to all the perps he meets. He takes his gun and shoots it in some guy's anus cause the dude tried to kidnap a baby. Oh yeah that baby falls into a pool and drowns.

The Amazing Racist - I'm sure people have seen his videos online about him picking up mexican day laborers and then driving them to the deportation center. Well he's back at it again and this time no race is safe!

Mexican - He's at a border talking about how he wants the Mexicans to go back, and then catches some of the hopping the border on video. He then does undercover work at a gas station. He tells a bi-racial black and white couple that they are interesting for being together and comments on them driving a volkswagon, a "German" car, and that germany did something right.

Asian - He is a driving instructor commenting on how asians can't drive and how they account for the majority of deaths on the road. He is the instructor for two people. One young asian girl played by Anna Akana and the other asian guy played by Hymnson Chan. With the girl, he makes various jokes about her not being able to drive, and insinuates that she is a massage therapist on the side. He constantly asks her to give him a happy ending until the point where she beats him up. With the male student, he keeps on commenting about how he can't see the road. He eventually tapes the guys eyelids open. He then proceeds to put on his own "asian" glasses, and asks the student how he's ever able to see out of those eyes. More jokes about small pensis, and the guy knowing kung fu. He also tells the guy to pull over to grab a dog to eat.

Jews - He goes into a Jewish Market dressed as a catholic priest. He then walks around asking people to sign a petition to admit that the Jews killed Jesus. He hands out Rhinoplasty coupons to people in there and talks about their big noses. He offers people a shiny copper penny to sign the petition. He sets up a trap outside the store and puts a dollar underneath the trap only to later find out that someone took the money.

African Americans - He and another guy sets up a boat on the beach. The other guy dresses up like a slave driver with a whip. They tell passerbys that they are giving free trips for black people to go back to Africa. Stereotypes range from taunting the passerbys with fried chicken, basketball. Commenting on interracial couples making mistakes.

The Porno Review: Michelle Rodriguez and Rob Schneider are like Siskel and Ebert reviewing pornos. There's a third guy that sits behind him and rates the movie based on how much semen he can conjure up into a popcorn tub after watching the movie.

The first movie they reviewed was called Sushi Mama. Bascially it was a riff on asian porn, and the guy was in a diaper the whole time. He drops the female on the table and punches her. Later on, you find him doggystyling the girl behind a screen. Later on when he finds out she isn't a virgin he kicks her off the table because she had sex with too many guys. Michelle Rodriguez proceeds to make a comment about asian guys having dicks the size of a woman's clit.

Sperm Lake - This is the second movie they review. They have a bunch of guys dressed in ballerina outfits and then they dance in a rural country lake side with a bridge. One of the hillbillies open up a refrigerator which turns out to be a Speaker. He proceeds to do hip hop dancing. Eventually all the male ballerinas proceed to tie him down to a bed and ejaculate all over him. At this point the third guy reviewing the movie fills up the popcorn tub with his semen, making this the highest ranked movie. Michelle Rodriguez throws up in disgust.

Psychology: Rob Schnieder is a psychiatrist and is listening to a girl who turns out to be a nymphomaniac. She talks about all the ways she likes sex. Eventually she talks about these pills she takes that makes her more horny. Rob Schnieder asks her for those pills eats some, and while listening to her chokes on an apple and dies.

Blackass: Jackass, but with black guys. It starts off with them running away from the police in a large garbage container, where the crash into a sewage factory and land in a vile of poop. The following are the subskits.

Happy Birthday - A guy gets rammed by a Rhino

Ghetto Babysitting - A White women is in a baby shop, and is offered by the lady at the front desk, to try out their babysitters. The babysitters are three of the black guys, and they proceed to harass the lady.

Dick jousting - The guys have big penises

Hot Tub - A white couple is enjoying their evening in the hot tub. A blonde girl decides to join them, and after talking with them, asks them to go on a double date with her boyfriend later that night. The boyfriend is the big fat black guy of the group. They proceed to make out in front of the couple and talk about having group sex and swapping partners. The offended couple leaves.

Cock Trap - One of the guys puts his dick in a sock, and puts cheese on it. He lures a mouse onto a mousetrap and then has his dick and the mouse trapped in the mouse trap.
Abortion Clinic - One of the guys go into an Abortion Clinic and offers to use his hanger to remove a fetus from one of the couples.

Things you would never see - A young blonde girl goes up to his old man boyfriend and tells him that it's okay that he doesn't have any money and proceeds to have sex with him

The movie ends with Lindsay Lohan shooting the Paparazzi with two guns.
Sounds like a steaming glorious pile of turd, and this viewer says that by the end, he wanted to go up to the director and sock him in the face. And this movie is schedule to play in actual theaters. Like, people are expected to pay money to see it. I hope this it dies a miserable death, and man, I pity the Asian American actors who sold their souls to be in this movie.

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