Matt Damon saves China from dragons in 'The Great Wall'

The latest movie in the grand cinematic tradition of the Special White Person.



It turns out the Great Wall of China was erected to keep out dragons. Behold, the trailer for The Great Wall, a fantasy action monster movie about an epic battle against dragons in ancient China... starring Matt Damon. Yes, a thousand years ago, Jason Friggin' Bourne saved the Chinese from dragons.

Directed by Zhang Yimou, and touted as the most expensive Chinese movie of all time, the movie stars a long-haired Matt Damon alongside Chinese superstars like Andy Lau, Luhan and Jing Tian, in a crazy-ass smoke and spears and fire and arrows battle on the Great Wall against fire-breathing dragons.

This looks as ridiculous as it sounds:

'Twilight' director to film love epic set in ancient China... starring a white person! Of course.

Catherine Hardwicke will direct 'Loulan,' a "sweeping romantic epic" set in an ancient Silk Road kingdom.


Director Catherine Hardwicke
Another Hollywood production tries to get in on that China money. The latest effort comes from Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke, who recently announced that she is making "a sweeping romantic epic" set in an ancient Silk Road city. Of course, the movie will likely star a white person. Because Hollywood.

'Twilight"s Catherine Hardwicke to film love epic in China

Loulan, set in the city of the same name circa 200 B.C., is about a princess caught in the middle of warring kingdoms at the nexus of the Silk Road, now known as the Xinjiang region in present-day western China.

But hey, it wouldn't be a proper Hollywood movie without throwing a white person in there somewhere, even in ancient frickin' China. So how are they going to explain that? In 1980, researchers in the region discovered a remarkably well-preserved female mummy with Caucasian features. She was dubbed the "Loulan Beauty."