la weekly's review of balls of fury

This review of Balls of Fury by Nathan Lee in LA Weekly is kind of funny, kind of lazy, and a bit crude, but conveys pretty much all I really needed to know about the movie: Test My Balls of Fury.
Test My Balls of Fury
Answer all correctly and you still lose

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 - 8:39 pm

1. Balls of Fury is a movie about:
a. A former table-tennis prodigy (Dan Fogler as Randy Daytona) enlisted by the FBI to infiltrate the underground pingpong tournament of a legendary Chinese criminal (Christopher Walken).
b. Suppository jokes.
c. Little worth discussing and even less worth seeing.
d. All of the above.

2. In his first leading role for the big screen, Fogler, a Tony Award–winning actor (The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee), can best be described as:
a. A comedic genius.
b. Killing time until his agent gets a call from Judd Apatow.
c. A cross between Jack Black and Richard Simmons.

3. Because the FBI agent who approaches Randy is played by a Latino (George Lopez), he will be made to say:
a. "Maricón!
b. "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!"
c. "Nigga, pleez!"
d. "Say hello to my little friend!"

4. When Randy undergoes intensive pingpong training at the Happy Mu Shu Palace ("If Mu Shu fits, wear it!"), his guru, Wong (James Hong), offers the following inscrutable advice:
a. "Be as the cricket."
b. "The cheeks cannot hold the smoke. That is what it is."
c. "Pingpong is not the Macarena."
d. "I miss you, Victor Wong."

5. Are Chinese people funny?
a. Yes.
b. No.
c. Totally, like with those weird little sticks they use to eat and everything!

6. As Feng, the criminal mastermind/pingpong enthusiast, Walken can best be described as:
a. A comedic genius.
b. Killing time until his agent gets a call from Judd Apatow.
c. Ka-ching, bitches!

7. When Feng's Amazonian henchwoman offers the services of sex slaves to Randy, it's funny because:
a. They're dudes!
b. They're dudes who scream like little girls.
c. Oh, I get it: sarcasm. Lighten up, homo.

8. Maggie Q co-stars as:
a. A pair of breasts.
b. A pair of breasts that know kung fu.
c. Who's Maggie Q?

9. Balls of Fury is best viewed:
a. At the multiplex.
b. On an airplane.
c. Loaded.
d. Never.

10. Balls of Fury is to The Sound and the Fury as:
a. Freddy Got Fingered is to Finnegans Wake.
b. Borat is to Austerlitz.
c. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle is to The Complete Poems of Emily Dickinson.
d. Superbad is to Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus.

11. Balls of Fury belongs in the tradition of:
a. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Blades of Glory.
b. Enter the Dragon, Fists of Fury.
c. The Karate Kid, Big Trouble in Little China.
d. Wu Tang Forever.
e. Ka-ching, bitches!

12. Balls of Fury was written by:
a. Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant.
b. A racist monkey.

13. Balls of Fury should have been directed by:
a. Don't hate. Mr. Garant did a lovely job.
b. Stephen Chow.
c. Jacques Rivette.

14. This review is:
a. As lazy as the movie under consideration.
b. Lazier than the movie under consideration.
My only hope now is that this movie bombs at the box office, leaving no desire for anyone to make a sequel. Ever. But I'm not getting hopes up, since audiences have proven that they'll go to theaters in droves to watch any kind of racist idiocy on the big screen.

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