bao phi's movie ideas for racist hollywood #1

In the wake of controversy of color-biased casting in 21, and Kaba Modern falling to third place in America's Best Dance Crew, spoken word artist Bao Phi was inspired to do a little writing on the state of racist Hollywood... In the spirit of "if you can't beat them, join them," not to mention in the spirit of "racism doesn't exist towards Asians" and "no one will pay to see an Asian man do anything except maybe karate," Bao crafted a fictional pitch of a movie idea for Hollywood. I liked it so much, I'm reposting here—the first of series of such pitches. Thus, I give you:

THE PITCH: The Kaba Modern dance crew has such a long and storied tradition that they draw aspiring dancers from all over the country to UC Irvine. Although race is not an issue (just mad skillz), the kids are predominantly Asian and the group has its roots as an Asian American-based student club.

But all of that is turned upside down when Johnny Apple, a white Midwesterner who impersonated B2K videos growing up, auditions to be in the group. He kills the audition, getting skeptical Orientals to jump up in their Pumas (tm) and pump their fists, but Johnny almost blows it when he tells Chun Li, the attractive Korean choreographer of Kaba Modern, that she looks like Tila Tequila. Hi-jinks, drama, interracial romance, and explosive dance moves with a rain machine shot using gratuitous slow motion ensue, turning the Kaba dance world upside down as Johnny learns to jiggle his shoulders like an urban youth of color, go face-to-face with the villainous Archie 'Yakuza' Tanaka, and teach Chun Li's immigrant parents that THEY are the racist ones for not accepting the fact that he's dating their daughter.

With Mark Wahlberg as Johnny Apple and that one actress from Smallville as Chun Li.

*I will soon be holding auditions for my new dance group, Kaba Senior, or Kaba Archaic. Our catchphrase will be "OW! My back!"
Hilarious. The funny (and sad) thing is, with a few tweaks, I envision this could actually work as real Hollywood movie. I really hope no industry folks with influence are reading this... Anyway, if you like that one, stay tuned for future installments, including "My Shrill Cheap Chinese Wedding," "Immortal Kickboxer" and "Yo, Yao." Bao, you rule.

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