the master of eyelids, herbs and mini-oven cooking

I receive a lot of email. It can get a little overwhelming sometimes, but I try to give each one its due consideration. That said, this has to be one of the weirdest emails I've ever received. I know it reads like spam... but I think this guy is actually serious:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I want to be a guest in your shows/articles to dispell the notion that all Chinese look sleepy. Born epicanthic, I am the world's only person who can crease my eyelids without surgery, stitches, tapes or glue. Do you want a demonstration? It will attract millions of viewers/readers to your station/magazine/newspaper.

In school I was taunted with gestures of the other students who pulled their upper eyelid down.

"If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed," said Prince Charles to a group of British students during a state visit to China in 1986.

I have written a manuscript on my home-made technique which is easy to follow. It is a regimen that requires some discipline. After all, what worthwhile human endeavour can be accomplished without discipline? Once you have acquired it, you will have it forever and can say sayonara to the nicknames such as Chinaman, Chino, Chinx, Chinky, Tokyo Joe, Button Hole. How can I get a publisher?

A survey of Xiamen University graduates in 2002 found that 54.3 per cent of new job seekers identified physical appearance as the defining factor in securing a position. The Chinese are born without segmented upper eyelids and hate the sleepy look. Beauty is the most important thing for a woman, readily exchangeable for love, prestige or money. More so than education, aristocracy or fame.

The whole world wants to imitate the Americans. When Pepsi went to Nigeria, the natives abandoned their oranges for soda. They used a hot iron to press their hair and bleached their skin. When New Yorkers went to model clothes in Hong Kong, the Chinese drew lines in their slant eyes to fake creases. In the Philippines, they are crazy about all things American. The Fijians used to focus on food and they became obese. The advent of TV caused them to diet and look them like the Americans. Now the Chinese want to buy the gadgets that the Americans take for granted such as electric fans, telephones, washing machines, TVs, computers, motorcars and all the things that evoke status symbols.

Also I can demonstrate desktop cooking. With a mini-oven, I can show you how to cook a feast. No litchen required. This system suits the busy couples who both work, the executives who work overtime, the single persons who hang out a lot, the small rooms and apartments.

Wait a moment! There is more. I can show you how to use herbs to dilate the blood vessels, to increase the libido, to remove free radicals, to strengthen the immune system, to lengthen the 120 year lifespan, to stimulate the body to produce an enzyme that kills cancer cells.

This article is not a prescription and I urge you to seek medical advice concerning these things.

Kenneth Chong

This might be fake. But I so want it to be real, because it's just freakin' weird. Kenneth here appears to be quite a hustler. He not only claims to be the only person who can crease his eyelids "without surgery, stitches, tapes or glue" (and is willing to show you how), he is apparently a badass cook with a mini-oven (no litchen required!) and a master of cancer-killing herbs. Ladies and gentlemen, he's got the skillz to pay the bills. Somebody hire this guy.