It turns out the Great Wall of China was erected to keep out dragons. Behold, the trailer for The Great Wall, a fantasy action monster movie about an epic battle against dragons in ancient China... starring Matt Damon. Yes, a thousand years ago, Jason Friggin' Bourne saved the Chinese from dragons.
Directed by Zhang Yimou, and touted as the most expensive Chinese movie of all time, the movie stars a long-haired Matt Damon alongside Chinese superstars like Andy Lau, Luhan and Jing Tian, in a crazy-ass smoke and spears and fire and arrows battle on the Great Wall against fire-breathing dragons.
This looks as ridiculous as it sounds:
Well, what is there to say? It's the latest movie in the grand cinematic tradition of the Special White Person.
It should be noted that this movie was made with Chinese money, and is the work of one of the most celebrated Chinese directors. But it's definitely a Hollywood blockbuster, written by Hollywood screenwriters, in English.
"First and foremost, this is an English-language film, and a Hollywood blockbuster," Zhang tells Entertainment Weekly. "It was already very clear in the script phase." And a Hollywood blockbuster needs a white guy.
And so, Matt Damon. As we've said many times before, and we'll say again and again -- say it, all together now -- you can set a story anywhere in the world, in any era of history, and Hollywood will still somehow find a way for the movie to star a white guy. You can count on it.
The Great Wall opens in theaters on February 17, 2017.
More here: The Great Wall First Look: See 5 magnificent images from the Matt Damon monster movie — exclusive