Get paid to hang out and hug and play with pandas

Now hiring Panda Nannies. Your dream job awaits.



Looking for a career change? Or are you a new graduate wondering what the heck what's next? I have the job for you. Pack your bags. The China Giant Panda Protection and Research Center in Ya'an, China is now recruiting caretakers. Your job duties will include hanging out and hugging and cuddling with pandas.

The World's Best Job Is Hiring: Panda Nanny

PANDAS, PEOPLE. Find your calling as a panda nanny. According to organizers, as a caretaker, you'll be tasked with "spending 365 days with the pandas and sharing in their joys and sorrows." Basically, you'll get paid to play with cute animals and be their best friend. It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it.

Maybe you'll get to push a panda down a slide:

"Chinese Food" somehow debuts on the Billboard Hot 100

We have failed, America.



The creepy panda wins. I had hoped that last week's post would be the first and only thing I'd ever have to write about Alison Gold's crap-tastic "Chinese Food" music video... but the damn thing shows signs that it is not going away just like that: Alison Gold's 'Chinese Food' makes shocking debut on Billboard Hot 100.

We have failed, America. The tween pop star wannabe's ode to Chinese cuisine has inexplicably debuted at number 29 on this week's Billboard Hot 100 chart and at number 5 on Billboard's Streaming Songs chart.

You can thank that ass-awful music video -- featuring hot sauce, Oriental Avenue, kid geishas and a creepy, rainbow-farting rapping panda -- for going viral (10.9 million views and counting since October 14) and propelling this shit to the top. For this blog's small part in contributing to that number, I apologize.

Damn you, Patrice Wilson, for unleashing this evil upon the world.

WTF: This music video makes me hate Chinese food. And pandas.

A pop star wannabe, a creepy panda, and a racist, kid-friendly ditty about "Chinese" cuisine.



What the hell did I just watch? From the forces of evil that unleashed Rebecca Black's "Friday" upon the world, here is the godawful music video for "Chinese Food" by pop star wannabe Alison Gold. Who? Yeah, exactly. The video really defies description (and coherence) but it's sort of a G-rated, culturally-inappropriate, tween-friendly foodie celebration of Orientalist imagery. Yes, this video is real.

Check it, this pop hit in the making includes Mongolian barbecue, hot sauce, geishas and an extremely creepy panda man flying away on rainbow power. As you can see, you don't need scantily clad women to exoticize and objectify Asians -- kids can get in on the racist fun too! Just watch it once and be done with it: